Hey Rachel,
I am married to a man who is constantly unemployed. He has been unemployed for more than a year, this time, and according to him, his prospects aren’t looking good. Lately, he has been gone all day looking for work and staying out all night. We don’t have sex anymore, our savings is depleted and the mortgage is one month behind. Recently, he has talked about foregoing a job and opening up a business. I encouraged him to put the business idea on hold and at least take a part-time job, but, he states, as usual, that he is over-qualified for the available menial jobs. I’ve always been the one who works consistently and takes care of all the family business, but now, I am tired. At this point, I think that I am ready to end the relationship. What do you think?
Stuck in Scranton
Hey Stuck,
Me? Tell a woman to leave her “man?” Never! But, in this case, since we are not talking about a “real” man, "RUN FOR THE HILLS AND NEVER LOOK BACK!" This relationship is toxic. He says that he is out all day looking for work and into the night? HA! He is doing everything except looking for a job, i.e. layin’ up with Suzy, shooting pool with Johnannem, gambling and Lord knows what else. He has no intention of getting or keeping a job. Your husband is fine being unemployed and is not putting the relationship first. How can anyone think about starting a “binness” while the mortgage is behind and the savings is depleted? Over-qualified for a part-time job? HA! No one asks your credentials when you cut grass or wash cars. Hell, McDonalds ain’t checkin’ no references. Soon, your mortgage will be four months behind and you will be frantic, while he continues to be missin’ in action. As a matter of fact, he might even request that YOU get a second job. Move on if and when you are ready, my sista. He moved on … A LONG TIME AGO!
And BTW, please seek additional therapy. In the words of the infamous KEITH SWEAT ... SOMETHIN' SOMETHIN' Somethin somethin just ain't right. It just ain't right ...
About Rachel
Hello to all of you out there! You divine creatures of habit! I am sure that you are wondering about this sista who thinks she is capable of giving relationship advice. Well, first and foremost, my name is Rachel Neal and I am a sista who has experienced just about everything that you have...
I have been in love; lost love and heaven knows, I’ve chased love.
I have shacked-up, been married and divorced.
I have been celibate and I’ve been promiscuous.
I have been bootycalled upon and I have called upon booty.
I grew up with six real life sistas and two real life brothas.
I am a solid girlfriend to my sistafriends, my manfriends as well as my boyfriends.
I am a baby momma and I’ve experienced baby momma drama.
I work hard and I also "attempt" to play hard.
I AM YOU ....... The only difference is that I have been able to combine my expertise as a degreed Counselor with “real” life common sense.
Over the years, I’ve managed to turn this dating and marriage enigma into one long case study. By providing a straight forward approach to solving problems and paying close attention to feedback, I’ve been able to develop tried and true solutions to those problems that plague relationships.
At the onset of a relationship and during a relationship, many folks only allow their heart and that thing called “passion” to lead the way, instead of infusing common sense and logic. GOD did not give us that inner voice for nothing.
It is my hope that by listening to some common sense knowledge from me and wisdom from other bloggers, that you will learn to use a more logical approach to relationships and learn to listen to that inner voice. Passion is great, but adding a little logic makes the relationship or the relationship “hunt” even better.
So, come on ladies and gentleman! Join in! Freely express yourselves and get the advice you need to sustain your relationships or to remain cool while you are on the "prowl."
Please make sure you check out my UPCOMING advice columns in “Kraze” magazine … hitting stands in late August and on www.krazemag.com. You can also check me out on www.urbanprofessionals.com and on www.celebritymagonline.com in mid June.
I look forward to hearing from you soon! Be blessed ... Rachel
And oh yeah ... Here's an excerpt from my soon to be published novel entitled "GOOD BLACK MEN AND DOG LOVIN SISTAS." If you like what you read or didn't, let a sista know. Send your comments to advice@heyrachel.org.
*Copyright 2006
INTRO
Yes, this is another book about a sista giving other sistas advice as they search for the "perfect" man. But, instead of showing all brothas in a bad light (don't get me wrong, there are some tacky brothas out there and I do talk about all of them), I use my main characters to focus on "perfect" brothas and messed up sistas who don't know what in the hell they really want in a man.
What's a "Perfect" brotha? You know the brothas I'm talking about. The ones you sistas are always trying to find.
perfect brotha (pur'fekt bruth'a), n. a single, handsome, wealthy, intelligent, healthy, childless, generous, charming, sophisticated, outgoing, funny, handy, spiritual, tasteful, worldly, well dressed, fresh smelling, expressive, sensual, considerate, caring, non-game playing African-American male, who wants kids and who is ready to settle down and spend the rest of his days trying to make an African-American female happy.
Yeah.
Right.
Don't you wish?
Nobody's perfect, not even you.
Of course, there's absolutely no way that you're going to find a brotha who'll meet all of your expectations. But, a lot of you sistas have come pretty close. You've met the almost "perfect" brotha and what did you end up doing or what are you getting ready to do?
Dump him, that's what.
Why?
"Perfect" brothas.
Bah humbug!
You don't want one.
They're just too damn nice.
Too predictable.
No trauma. No drama.
B-o-r-i-n-g.
Face it, the cold hard fact of the matter is that you're not really looking for a "perfect" brotha, if you're looking for excitement, drama, and unpredictability. What you're really looking for is a "dog".
dog (dawg) n. an African-American male who does one or more of the following on a constant basis: cheats on his significant other; sometimes with her best friend, lies to everybody about everything, cons everyone; mostly women out of their money, behaves selfishly, doesn't claim any of his kids or doesn't support the ones he claims, doesn't return a call for days, tells you that you're too fat, sexes you up only when he wants too, marries someone else while the two of you are dating and yes, you still have sex with him, etc.; an African-American male who spends most of his time doing everything in his power to mistreat a sista and makes up for the pain by bestowing her with short periods of insatiable pleasure.
Tell the truth.
I know it's sad.
"Dogs" are exciting.
You go to hell and back with these brothas.
The bad times are terribly bad, but the good times are terribly good. As a matter of fact, the few good times are passionate enough to overshadow the bad.
You love them "dogs."
Most of us do.
You need advice and I'm here to give it to you.
From a real sistas perspective.
As a matter of fact, from a real Diva Bitch perspective.
"What in the hell is a Diva Bitch?"
Well, for those of you who don't know, I'll take a moment to enlighten.
diva bitch (de'va bich), n. a straight to the point, confident, African-American female, who gives experience based, humorous, smart ass advice, mainly about how to pick out a good brotha and how to dump a bad one; yet, cannot pick out a good brotha for herself or dump a bad one.
Hey, she who is without fault, cast the first stone.
I'm the first one to admit my faults.
I learned how from the afternoon talk shows.
You know, you watch them; Oprah, Tyra.
One day, they're gonna have a real expert like me on one of their shows.
Forget the highly educated know-it-alls.
Hell, who even understands half the psychological babble?
The ways of us "dog" lovin colored girls ain't found in a textbook or from ten years of misguided research. Can't no white man or woman, no old ass sista who's been married for twenty years and definitely no broke down brotha give good advice to "dog" lovin colored girls.
I mean it.
You gotta live it to be able to give advice about it.
Don't tell me about the perils of young unwed mothas, if you ain't never been one.
Don't tell me about how rich people live if your ass is and has always been broke.
You gotta live it to be able to give advise about it.
I've lived it and that's why I give damn good advice; the only problem being, I have a little trouble following it.
You think the textbook experts, or the wannabe experts actually follow their own advice?
Sure.
Yeah.
Right.
Do you always follow the common sense advice you give to others?
No.
From experience, you know you should.
But, most of the time you don't.
I'm just like you.
And who am I? You might be asking.
Well, let me give you a little history about myself, if I may? My name is Rachel Neal and I'm a single diva bitch, who just loves "dogs." Not rover or spot, but Butch and Deebo. They say I'm that type of sista who knows exactly what's up and can always tell you whether or not the brothas you meet are good brothas; but, wouldn't have one myself, if'n he was Denzel Washington. A sista, whose mother told her she'd better leave the no good fools alone or she'd be alone (and I am alone).
I can't help it, I've been lovin ‘em for years.
Either you're probably like me, or you know someone who is.
From my experiences, I've learned a lot, and I'm going to pass this information on to you. I know you had to pay for it, but Lord knows, I deserve some money after years of dishing out advice to my broke ass friends.
For those of you Diva Bitches who think you know everything and never listened to your mother or anyone else for that matter, this book is dedicated to you. I, of course, never listened to my mother and still don't. I am a thirty-nine year old sista with a dick count of a sixty year old. Over the last three years alone, I've had at least 20-25 men in my life. Some of them I loved ("dogs"). Some of them, I thought loved me (yeah right). Some of them I dogged ("perfect" brothas) and lord knows some of them dogged me (bastards). It never mattered; the size; shape or form, as long as his favorite treat was a doggie bone, I was in sista heaven.
Well, enough said about me, I think you get the picture.
It's time now to discuss the sistas I'm dishing this real ass advice too. You know, the normal run of the mill sistas and by run of the mill, I mean the typical sistas that pretty much have it together in every department, except for the brotha department. Yeah, you sistas have a little Diva Bitch in you too; the fact that you have a slight attitude and your confusion about what you really want in a brotha. You mainly leave the smart ass advice giving to your insightful diva bitch friends. You're like my main character Bonita and my always-crying-that-I'm-broke ass friends.
I'm gonna give you advice that will help you weed out the messed up brothas.
The rest is up to you.
Hell, you know when a brotha is a "dog." For most of you, the brain registers it immediately, but it's your heart that's the problem. It never beats faster then when you experience emotional highs and lows with a brotha; passionate make-ups after a fight. The lovin's never been so good. I did not write this book because I've wised up and finally realized that this type of passion isn't good to have. I damn sure did not write it because I've found a definite way to allow you to live happily ever after with a brotha that's going to treat you right (hell if I knew how to do that, I'd be somewhere happy with a husband and a bunch of kids myself). But, to take you "dog" lovin colored girls on such a hell of a journey, that you see yourselves in such a pitiful light, you have no choice but to wake up and realize that the writing is and has always been on the wall.
Wake up?
Hell, I haven't.
Maybe you smart ones will.
I have been in love; lost love and heaven knows, I’ve chased love.
I have shacked-up, been married and divorced.
I have been celibate and I’ve been promiscuous.
I have been bootycalled upon and I have called upon booty.
I grew up with six real life sistas and two real life brothas.
I am a solid girlfriend to my sistafriends, my manfriends as well as my boyfriends.
I am a baby momma and I’ve experienced baby momma drama.
I work hard and I also "attempt" to play hard.
I AM YOU ....... The only difference is that I have been able to combine my expertise as a degreed Counselor with “real” life common sense.
Over the years, I’ve managed to turn this dating and marriage enigma into one long case study. By providing a straight forward approach to solving problems and paying close attention to feedback, I’ve been able to develop tried and true solutions to those problems that plague relationships.
At the onset of a relationship and during a relationship, many folks only allow their heart and that thing called “passion” to lead the way, instead of infusing common sense and logic. GOD did not give us that inner voice for nothing.
It is my hope that by listening to some common sense knowledge from me and wisdom from other bloggers, that you will learn to use a more logical approach to relationships and learn to listen to that inner voice. Passion is great, but adding a little logic makes the relationship or the relationship “hunt” even better.
So, come on ladies and gentleman! Join in! Freely express yourselves and get the advice you need to sustain your relationships or to remain cool while you are on the "prowl."
Please make sure you check out my UPCOMING advice columns in “Kraze” magazine … hitting stands in late August and on www.krazemag.com. You can also check me out on www.urbanprofessionals.com and on www.celebritymagonline.com in mid June.
I look forward to hearing from you soon! Be blessed ... Rachel
And oh yeah ... Here's an excerpt from my soon to be published novel entitled "GOOD BLACK MEN AND DOG LOVIN SISTAS." If you like what you read or didn't, let a sista know. Send your comments to advice@heyrachel.org.
*Copyright 2006
INTRO
Yes, this is another book about a sista giving other sistas advice as they search for the "perfect" man. But, instead of showing all brothas in a bad light (don't get me wrong, there are some tacky brothas out there and I do talk about all of them), I use my main characters to focus on "perfect" brothas and messed up sistas who don't know what in the hell they really want in a man.
What's a "Perfect" brotha? You know the brothas I'm talking about. The ones you sistas are always trying to find.
perfect brotha (pur'fekt bruth'a), n. a single, handsome, wealthy, intelligent, healthy, childless, generous, charming, sophisticated, outgoing, funny, handy, spiritual, tasteful, worldly, well dressed, fresh smelling, expressive, sensual, considerate, caring, non-game playing African-American male, who wants kids and who is ready to settle down and spend the rest of his days trying to make an African-American female happy.
Yeah.
Right.
Don't you wish?
Nobody's perfect, not even you.
Of course, there's absolutely no way that you're going to find a brotha who'll meet all of your expectations. But, a lot of you sistas have come pretty close. You've met the almost "perfect" brotha and what did you end up doing or what are you getting ready to do?
Dump him, that's what.
Why?
"Perfect" brothas.
Bah humbug!
You don't want one.
They're just too damn nice.
Too predictable.
No trauma. No drama.
B-o-r-i-n-g.
Face it, the cold hard fact of the matter is that you're not really looking for a "perfect" brotha, if you're looking for excitement, drama, and unpredictability. What you're really looking for is a "dog".
dog (dawg) n. an African-American male who does one or more of the following on a constant basis: cheats on his significant other; sometimes with her best friend, lies to everybody about everything, cons everyone; mostly women out of their money, behaves selfishly, doesn't claim any of his kids or doesn't support the ones he claims, doesn't return a call for days, tells you that you're too fat, sexes you up only when he wants too, marries someone else while the two of you are dating and yes, you still have sex with him, etc.; an African-American male who spends most of his time doing everything in his power to mistreat a sista and makes up for the pain by bestowing her with short periods of insatiable pleasure.
Tell the truth.
I know it's sad.
"Dogs" are exciting.
You go to hell and back with these brothas.
The bad times are terribly bad, but the good times are terribly good. As a matter of fact, the few good times are passionate enough to overshadow the bad.
You love them "dogs."
Most of us do.
You need advice and I'm here to give it to you.
From a real sistas perspective.
As a matter of fact, from a real Diva Bitch perspective.
"What in the hell is a Diva Bitch?"
Well, for those of you who don't know, I'll take a moment to enlighten.
diva bitch (de'va bich), n. a straight to the point, confident, African-American female, who gives experience based, humorous, smart ass advice, mainly about how to pick out a good brotha and how to dump a bad one; yet, cannot pick out a good brotha for herself or dump a bad one.
Hey, she who is without fault, cast the first stone.
I'm the first one to admit my faults.
I learned how from the afternoon talk shows.
You know, you watch them; Oprah, Tyra.
One day, they're gonna have a real expert like me on one of their shows.
Forget the highly educated know-it-alls.
Hell, who even understands half the psychological babble?
The ways of us "dog" lovin colored girls ain't found in a textbook or from ten years of misguided research. Can't no white man or woman, no old ass sista who's been married for twenty years and definitely no broke down brotha give good advice to "dog" lovin colored girls.
I mean it.
You gotta live it to be able to give advice about it.
Don't tell me about the perils of young unwed mothas, if you ain't never been one.
Don't tell me about how rich people live if your ass is and has always been broke.
You gotta live it to be able to give advise about it.
I've lived it and that's why I give damn good advice; the only problem being, I have a little trouble following it.
You think the textbook experts, or the wannabe experts actually follow their own advice?
Sure.
Yeah.
Right.
Do you always follow the common sense advice you give to others?
No.
From experience, you know you should.
But, most of the time you don't.
I'm just like you.
And who am I? You might be asking.
Well, let me give you a little history about myself, if I may? My name is Rachel Neal and I'm a single diva bitch, who just loves "dogs." Not rover or spot, but Butch and Deebo. They say I'm that type of sista who knows exactly what's up and can always tell you whether or not the brothas you meet are good brothas; but, wouldn't have one myself, if'n he was Denzel Washington. A sista, whose mother told her she'd better leave the no good fools alone or she'd be alone (and I am alone).
I can't help it, I've been lovin ‘em for years.
Either you're probably like me, or you know someone who is.
From my experiences, I've learned a lot, and I'm going to pass this information on to you. I know you had to pay for it, but Lord knows, I deserve some money after years of dishing out advice to my broke ass friends.
For those of you Diva Bitches who think you know everything and never listened to your mother or anyone else for that matter, this book is dedicated to you. I, of course, never listened to my mother and still don't. I am a thirty-nine year old sista with a dick count of a sixty year old. Over the last three years alone, I've had at least 20-25 men in my life. Some of them I loved ("dogs"). Some of them, I thought loved me (yeah right). Some of them I dogged ("perfect" brothas) and lord knows some of them dogged me (bastards). It never mattered; the size; shape or form, as long as his favorite treat was a doggie bone, I was in sista heaven.
Well, enough said about me, I think you get the picture.
It's time now to discuss the sistas I'm dishing this real ass advice too. You know, the normal run of the mill sistas and by run of the mill, I mean the typical sistas that pretty much have it together in every department, except for the brotha department. Yeah, you sistas have a little Diva Bitch in you too; the fact that you have a slight attitude and your confusion about what you really want in a brotha. You mainly leave the smart ass advice giving to your insightful diva bitch friends. You're like my main character Bonita and my always-crying-that-I'm-broke ass friends.
I'm gonna give you advice that will help you weed out the messed up brothas.
The rest is up to you.
Hell, you know when a brotha is a "dog." For most of you, the brain registers it immediately, but it's your heart that's the problem. It never beats faster then when you experience emotional highs and lows with a brotha; passionate make-ups after a fight. The lovin's never been so good. I did not write this book because I've wised up and finally realized that this type of passion isn't good to have. I damn sure did not write it because I've found a definite way to allow you to live happily ever after with a brotha that's going to treat you right (hell if I knew how to do that, I'd be somewhere happy with a husband and a bunch of kids myself). But, to take you "dog" lovin colored girls on such a hell of a journey, that you see yourselves in such a pitiful light, you have no choice but to wake up and realize that the writing is and has always been on the wall.
Wake up?
Hell, I haven't.
Maybe you smart ones will.
